Quotes: Season 1

House: "See that? They all assume I'm a patient because of this cane."
Wilson: "So put on a white coat like the rest of us."
House: "I don't want them to think I'm a doctor."
Wilson: "You see where the administration might have a problem with that attitude."
House: "You said she was your cousin. Why would you lie?"
Wilson: "It got you to take the case."
House: "You lied to a friend to save a stranger, you don't think that's screwed up?"
Wilson: "You've never lied to me?"
House: "I NEVER lie."
Wilson: "Oh, really."
Wilson: "He's sick, I care, I'm pathetic."
House: "There are about a billion sick people on the planet, why this one?"
Wilson: " Because this one is in our emergency room."
House: "Ah, so it's a proximity issue. If somebody was sick in the third floor stairwell that's who we would be talking about."
Wilson: "Yes, I checked the stairwell, it's clear."
House: "Ok then, emergency room guy it is. "
Wilson: "That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality."
House: "Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain."
Wilson: "You will lie, cheat and steal to get what you want, but you're incapable of kissing a little ass?"
House: "Well, we all have our limitations."
House: "It was so perfect. It was beautiful."
Wilson: "Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth."
House: "And triteness kicks us in the nads."
Wilson: "So true."
House: "This doesn't bother you?"
Wilson: "That you were wrong? I try to work through the pain."
House: "I was not wrong. Everything I said was true. It fit. It was elegant."
Wilson: "So...reality was wrong."
House: "Reality is almost always wrong."
Wilson: "You know what, I'm not interested."
House: "Not curious?"
Wilson: "No, because I'm well-adjusted." [He walks off.]
House: "Right. "
House: "Oh, here we go. Lesson time. I recognize that confidence is not my short suit. I also recognize that I am human and capable of error."
Wilson: "So you might have screwed this up?"
House: "No."
Wilson: "So, it's only a theoretical capacity for error."
House: "Good point. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe that's my error."
Wilson: "You know, most people who think as much of themselves as you do like to talk about themselves."
House: "Most people don't like to listen, so what's wrong with you?" [He leaves Wilson standing in the clinic.]
Wilson: "You want to come over for Christmas dinner?"
House: "You're Jewish."
Wilson: "Yeah, Hanukkah dinner. What do you care? It's food, it's people."
House: "No thanks."
Wilson: "Maybe I'll come to your place."
House: "Your wife doesn't mind being alone at Christmas?"
Wilson: "I'm a doctor, she's used to being alone. [House raises his eyebrows.] I don't want to talk about it."
House: "Neither do I. "
House: "So what's her name? When do I get to meet her?"
Wilson: "There's nobody. Give it up."
House: "Your lips say no, your shoes say yes."
Wilson: "Well they're French. You can't trust a word they say."
House: "Solid, yet stylish. A professional woman would be impressed. I'm thinking accountant, actuary, maybe. It's somebody in the hospital. Patient? No, chemo's not sexy. Daughter of the patient? She would certainly have the neediness you need."
Wilson: "I'm not gonna date a patient's daughter."
House: "Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don't date at all."
Wilson: "There was no date! [House glares] I had lunch with one of the nurses. It's her first time in an oncology unit and she's having a tough time, emotionally."
House: "Perfect."
Wilson: "I wanted to be nice. That's all. I mean it. "
House: "You always do. It's part of your charm. "
Wilson: "You can be a real jerk sometimes, you know that?"
House: "Yeah. And you're the good guy."
Wilson: "At least I try."
House: "As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want."
Wilson: "And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want."
House: "So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!"
Wilson: "The healer with his magic powers...I could rub his gentle brow for hours...His manly chest, his stubble jaw, everything about him leaves me raw-"
House: "Psych ward's upstairs."
Wilson "-with joy. Oh House, your very name...will never leave this girl the same.
Not bad for an eighty- two year old. She asked me to give that to her true love."
House: "What can I say, chicks with no teeth turn me on."
Wilson: "That's...fairly disgusting."
House: "And that's ageism."
Wilson: "You better watch yourself around this babe. Here are the test results. "
Wilson: "I never bother to wash new clothes before I wear them."
House: "Right, your wife does. She wants you to feel nice and comfortable."
Wilson: "Hey! I'm a man. I don't have time for laundry, I'm saving lives here. No, she doesn't wash them either."
House: "So your skin absorbs a little dye, the odd chemical here and there..."
Wilson: "Well, you know me. Always living on the edge."
Wilson: "So your philosophy is, "If they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down."
House: "Yeah. My old philosophy used to be 'Live and let live,' but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows. "
House: "Your turn, you gonna tell me why this case?"
Wilson: "She's my new girlfriend, I'm having a tattoo designed, I was hoping you could find out her name."
House: "So she's just another sick person the kindly Dr. Wilson has made sure doesn't get lost in the big ugly system."
Wilson: "Yes, I forgot, I need a reason to give a crap."
House: "You're giving two craps."
Wilson: "The metric system always confuses me."
House: "Wilson, James. Boy wonder oncologist. You know him?"
Wilson: "You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word friend can also be translated as 'limping twerp'."
[House's pager starts to beep]
Wilson: "Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditching the conversation?"
House: "Why can't both be true? Come on."
Wilson: "Oh. You followed me?"
House: "No. You were wearing rain boots today, but you were parked in the underground garage, so the only reason you'd need boots was if you were hitting the streets...I followed you."
Wilson: "Didn't we have a conversation about friendship?"
House: "Yeah. I had some follow up questions. I've met your parents, and your brother -"
Wilson: "I have two brothers."
House: "Why wouldn't you tell me -"
Wilson: "It was irrelevant."
House: "Why not?"
Wilson: "Because he's not in my life any more."
House: "Well, that's relevant."
House: "What are you doing here? I thought we ruled out cancer."
Wilson: "I was lonely."
House: "Well, go see Cuddy. She needs a friend."
Wilson: "That's funny, she said you might need one."
House: "That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat."
Wilson: "No, I want to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower."
House: "I'm fine."
House: "I'm not lonely, my leg hurts."
Wilson: "She's a real masseuse."
House: "She's five hundred dollars an hour, minimum."
Wilson: "She's hot, so she's a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?"
House: "The envious, jealous, I-never-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic, hello!"
Wilson: "She's a legitimate masseuse, come on. [looks at her] God, she's beautiful."
House: "Because she's beautiful I should do it? What kind of pathetic logic is that?"
Wilson: "The envious, jealous, I'm-married-and-I-can't-do-anything logic!"
House: "I said I was an addict. I didn't say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function."
Wilson: "Is that all you want? You have no relationships."
House: "I don't want any relationships."
Wilson: "You alienate people."
House: "I've been alienating people since I was three."
Wilson: "Oh, come on! Drop it! You don't think you've changed in the last few years?"
House: "Well, of, of course I have. I've gotten older. My hair's gotten thinner. Sometimes I'm bored, sometimes I'm lonely, sometimes I wonder what it all means."
Wilson: "No, I was there! You are not just a regular guy who's getting older, you've changed! You're miserable, and you're afraid to face yourself -"
House: [slams his cane down on the shelf] "Of course I've changed! [pause]"
Wilson: "And everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills? They haven't done a thing to you?"
House: "They let me do my job, and they take away my pain."
House: "Fine. I'll ask one of my other friends. What, you're saying I've only got one friend?"
Wilson: "Uh, and who...?"
House: [thinks a moment] "Kevin, in Bookkeeping."
Wilson: "Okay, well first of all, his name's Carl."
House: "I call him Kevin. It's a secret 'friendship club' name. "
Wilson: "Hey." [he looks down at House's pants questioningly]
House: [irritatedly] "Hank Wiggen peed on me. What d'you think these pants are worth on eBay?"
Wilson: "I've got some big-boy diapers in my office, the rep. hands them out like candy."
House: "Is it that bad?"
Wilson: [sarcastically] "No! Not if you like the smell of urine-"
House: "Course, why should I trust someone who lies about what he's doing Friday night? [stops to face Wilson] Question is, what are you really doing Friday night? Or more to the point, what could possibly be better than monster trucks? Or are we breaking up?"
Wilson: "Even I don't like you." [He walks off.]
House: [calling after him] "You know, words can hurt!"
Wilson: "Hmmm, he might even cry. On the other hand, there is the 'do unto others' thingy."
House: "Then I should definitely tell him! I'd want to know."
Wilson: "You want to know everything. There's also the 'keeping your promises' thingy."
House: "Oh, you never run out of thingies. Like that blonde thing you were chatting up."
Wilson: "Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect."
House: "And the reason you want respect?"
Wilson: "To...get laid."
House: "Okay then. You've just gotta think like a billionaire."
Wilson: "You're my friend."
House: "Oh, jeez. Have some backbone. If you think I'm wrong, do something."
Wilson: "Wait, you're getting mad at me for sticking up for you?"
House: "You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities."
Wilson: "Our friendship is an ethical responsibility."
House: "Damn. '65. Perfectly restored. What do you think a guy like Joey would do if someone turned down a gift? That's kind of an insult, isn't it?"
Wilson: "He might hurt you. It's definitely possible."
House: "I'm screwed. Gotta take the car."
Wilson: "I've been thinking. You've made it quite clear that you're miserable here -"
House: "I am not miserable."
Wilson: "You're not happy."
House: "And you are?"
Wilson: "With...my job, yes."
House: "I am exactly where I want to be doing exactly what I want to do."
Wilson: "I think I sense a hint of sarcasm there."
House: "I am selling my soul."
Wilson: "Just a little piece. And you are getting something in return."
House: "I said I was selling it. I didn't say I was giving it away. That would be immoral, and stupid."
Wilson to House: "I've got no kids, my marriage sucks; I've only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid, screwed-up friendship, and neither mattered enough to you to give one lousy speech."
Wilson: "You're not going to be happy with anyone."
House: "So what, your advice is...hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy?"
Wilson: "No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass. You always find some tiny little flaw to push people away."
House: "Now it's people. I thought we were talking about fellowship applicants."
Wilson: "You have a history of this."
House: "Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head."
Wilson: "Well, nobody's perfect."
House: "Mother Teresa?"
Wilson: "Dead."
House: "Angelina Jolie?"
Wilson: "No medical degree."
House: "Now who's being picky?"
Wilson: "You're going to wind up alone, House."
Wilson: "Young ingenue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet gentle nature bringing him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart."
Some guy: [putting an arm around House's shoulders] "Do her, or you're gay."
House: "For God's sake. [He grabs his TV and leaves." As he's walking out the door -]
Wilson and Some guy: [singing] "Sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g."
House: [over them] "Grow up. And learn to harmonize."