Quotes: Season 3

House: "You sprinted through 3 bad marriages, into an affair with a dying patient - now a naughty nurse? How many more failed relationships are we both going to have to deal with before you learn to love yourself? And I mean that in a literal way."
Wilson: "It's amazing how you can not only know it's a relationship but that it's a bad relationship based on nothing but... nothing."
House: "I know you."
Wilson: "I'm not with her, not even trying."
House: "You're lying to me, thatís interesting."
Wilson: [walking towards his office] "Well, as long as it's interesting."
Wilson: "My marriages were so crappy I was spending all my time with you. Your real fear is me having a good relationship."
House: "Yes, that keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness monster, global warming, evolution, and other fictional concepts. Although a big, romantic weekend in the Poconos could change everything."
Wilson: [Shaking his head.] "No, I mean, why my pad? Foreman, Cameron and Chase's pads are just as convenient. But their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks."
House: "This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them and make tasty snacks. Let's go try the casino."
Wilson: "And one day, our friendship will break and it'll just prove your theory that relationships are conditional and you don't need human connection or deserve it or whatever goes on in that rat maze of your brain."
House: "You're not my Mum, you don't have to keep checking up on me."
Wilson: "How you doing?"
House: "Not bad, considering I just learned that I'm completely powerless."
Wilson: "See this big fancy wing? It was built because this program works."
House: "Faulty logic. This big fancy wing exists because some people with money think that it works. They wanna believe that they can buy a better world. This is nothing short of idealised despair, and other people wallow in it."
Wilson: "I don't even know what that means."
House: "None of this means anything. Its just nonsensical, it's slogans and platitudes."
Wilson: [Getting annoyed] "Meaning takes time. It takes work."
House: "What do you think I've been doing?"
Wilson: "You've been here for two days! Talk about wallowing in it. We all get it, we know how much pain you have. You're here to deal with that and get on with your life."
House: "Right! I should have an affair with a dying patient and move into a hotel."
Wilson: "You're a coward house. You find fault in everybody because you're afraid to look at yourself.
House: "I had no business blaming you for any of this. I know you were just trying to help me, protect me, that's what friends do."
Wilson: [Surprised] "Is this.... an apology?"
House: "Part of the program, if you don't like it I can stop."
Wilson: "Not at all, it's just so... unfamiliar. Please, keep going."
Wilson: "Ah yes, if it isn't Dr. Ironside."
House: "Ah, if it isn't Dr. "
I-Had-No-Friends-When-I-Was-Growing-Up-So-All-I-Did-Was-Watch-TV-By-Myself-Which-Is-Why-I-Can-Now-Make-Constant-Pop-Culture-References-Which-No-One-Understands-But-Me."
Wilson: "That's my name. Don't wear it out."
Wilson to House: "Oh it's way more interesting. But instead, I've got to be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience."
House: "I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous."
Wilson: "I don't think that metaphor was designed to actually warn cats."
Wilson to House: "Is it possible for you to just watch me eat. Or do you get some primeval thrill out of beating the other hunters to the food."
Wilson: "Depression in cancer patients. 'S not as common as you think. It's not the dying that gets to people. It's the dying alone. The patients with family, with friends... they tend to do okay. You don't have cancer. You do have people who give a damn. So what do you do? [laughs again] You fake the cancer, then push the people who care away."
House: "Because... they're boring. [looks at Wilson] Go home to your hotel room and laugh at that irony."
Wilson: [smiles wrily] "Start small, House. Take a chance. Maybe something that doesn't involve sticking stuff in your brain. Pizza with a friend. A movie. Something."
House: [Yelling.] "I haven't peed in three days!"
Wilson: "You'd be dead."
House: "I'm not counting intermittent drips."
Wilson: "You'd be in agony."
House: "I passed agony yesterday around 4."
Wilson: "Oh I didn't know you were seeing a patient."
House: "It's an exam room, what did you think I was doing?"
Wilson: "What you usually do - hiding from Cuddy."
House: "Well it'd be stupid to do it in here, there's a patient in here."
House: "Play. Interested?"
Wilson: "Sure, want me to pick you up?"
House: "I'm not going."
Wilson: "You said two tickets."
House: "You thought this was a date?"
Wilson: "Yes, I slept with her."
House: [Shocked.] Seriously?"
Wilson: "No."
House: [Not convinced.] Yes you did."
Wilson: [Quietly.] Yes I did."
House: [Shocked.] Seriously?"
Wilson: "No. You've got a problem House."
Wilson: "I'm not going to say anything. I'm just going to walk into her office, and I'm going to kiss her."
House: "That's... a bold move, Cuddy likes bold. Yeah your right, if you spoke you'd say something stupid."
Wilson: "Yeah, and I'll either get a girlfriend or get fired.Ok... yea... ok..."
[Gets up and leaves, House almost bursts out laughing while Wilson is on his way out. Once Wilson is gone he goes to take a sip of his coffee, suddenly Wilson bursts back in, pointing at him.]
"You, you you you! You were going to let me do that?!"
House: [Laughs.] Well you made a compelling argument."
Wilson: "YOU sent those flowers to me!"
House: "Yes because, you took her to a play [Wilson throws his arms up in the air.] because actually you do want to march down there and kiss her."
Wilson: "No! I don't!"
House: "Yes you do."
Wilson: [Sighs.] You're right."
House: [Shocked.] Seriously?"
Wilson: "No. [House smiles.] You're a jerk." [Wilson leaves.]
House: "Night Wilson."
Wilson: "Night House."
Bonnie: "James Wilson, carefully calibrating his level of protectiveness for your individual needs."
House: "Did you just compare Wilson to a tampon?"
Wilson: "By that logic, a sociopath would make the best patient advocate in the world."
[He walks away. House remains in front of the station.]
House: [calling out after him] "Am I blushing?"
House: "I just tripped over Wilson's self-righteousness."
House: "I'm sorry."
Wilson: [nods, softly] "Okay."
House: "You're pathetic. I didn't actually mean that."
Wilson: [shrugs] Yes, you did."
House: "No, I didn't. To infinity."
Wilson: "Yes, you did. You're pathetic."
Wilson to House: "Because it's either that or accept the fact that you've done something nice and then I have to deal with the horsemen and the rain of fire and the end of days."
Wilson: "You dosed me!"
House: "Yes... I did, but only because you didn't trust me! Your best friend."
House: "I put you on uppers and you still yawned. Means it's a symptom, of being a big fat liar. Yawning is a symptom of some antidepressants, apparently the ones you're on."
Wilson: "I'm not on antidepressants I'm on SPEED!"
Wilson: "House was happy."
House: "Hazy."
Wilson: "Happy."
House: "Hazy!"
Wilson: "House, you play a guitar you got in 9th grade."
House: "8th."
Wilson: "You're living in the same apartment for 15 years. You drive a 10-yr-old car, you are not good with change."
House: "That used to be true, but I changed."